Saturday, March 26, 2011

What would you try if you had no fear?

I have a boyfriend. We’ve been together for about a year and a half. Most of my friends know that I am not satisfied with my relationship with him, but I decided to give him a last chance.

We stayed a couple of weeks apart, but we are together again and I feel like I can't dump him right now. He is facing a lot of monetary troubles and is thinking about quitting his job to try to pay all his debts. How could I dump him now if he stayed by my side when I was half dead in a hospital? I don't think this is fair. I don't think I love him. But I respect him as a person and as a friend… Besides, his family adores me and it seems they fear my boyfriend won’t find anyone else who understands him the way I did. They know he is not an easy person…

The biggest problem is, I am really confused about my feelings. About opportunities life is offering me and the huge paralyzing fear I have to make the wrong choices… A couple of years ago I came across this Canadian guy through internet (Actually though his sister). He was recovering from a neck surgery and she requested people for a RAOK (Random Act of Kindness); to send him postcards and get well wishes so he wouldn’t get too bored while he was recovering.

This Canadian guy wrote me back and we’ve been corresponding since then. He is awesome, handsome, intelligent, polite as a gentleman... He is quite a prince! And this prince invited me to visit his country because he believes it would be good for my future to live there. I could have a much better life than in Brazil.

I guess I’m a just a coward. I can’t decide what to do because I fear so much making the wrong choices. Of course I’d have to finish school first if I want to live somewhere else someday, and I don't know if he and even I would be able to wait these couple of years that are yet to come... I mean, I guess it’s clear that it seams I’m daydreaming of a relationship with this man, but we were raised in different cultures. I don't know if we could be fine together of if there would be so many differences that would thorn us apart.

As I just said above, he is a gentleman, a prince… And I fear I am not like a princess at all. I think he deserves someone immensely better than me... I don't want to disappoint him, I don't want to make him suffer, I don't want to ruin everything. But I'm human... Humans often destroy what they love the most. And that's what I'm trying not to do. I see him like a saint in an altar, or like the finest piece of china in a wonderful cabinet. I admire it, I want it, but I fear to reach it because I may break it...

He was the best thing that happened to me, the closest thing that I felt to love about someone in the last years... But I am not perfect. I am just human and full of flaws… I’m afraid he sees this and finds out I never was the right one for him.
Besides, how could I leave someone who is here by my side for another person who is miles and miles apart? When I am not sure if it's all an illusion or if it can come true?

Now he thinks I didn’t want to meet him in Canada. In his last message to me, my Canadian friend said: “Somewhere tucked away in a very far tiny corner of my thoughts I will miss you the remainder of my life and beyond...”
I feel him escaping through my fingers like sand and it is tearing my heart apart.

I am terribly silly and coward! I wish I was much more brave that I actually am. I fear I’m losing the opportunity of finding a true genuine love for being the way I am, and I hate myself for that!

How I wish fear couldn't stop me from leaving all behind and throwing myself into his arms...

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