I have a boyfriend. We’ve been together for about a year and a half. Most of my friends know that I am not satisfied with my relationship with him, but I decided to give him a last chance.
We stayed a couple of weeks apart, but we are together again and I feel like I can't dump him right now. He is facing a lot of monetary troubles and is thinking about quitting his job to try to pay all his debts. How could I dump him now if he stayed by my side when I was half dead in a hospital? I don't think this is fair. I don't think I love him. But I respect him as a person and as a friend… Besides, his family adores me and it seems they fear my boyfriend won’t find anyone else who understands him the way I did. They know he is not an easy person…
The biggest problem is, I am really confused about my feelings. About opportunities life is offering me and the huge paralyzing fear I have to make the wrong choices… A couple of years ago I came across this Canadian guy through internet (Actually though his sister). He was recovering from a neck surgery and she requested people for a RAOK (Random Act of Kindness); to send him postcards and get well wishes so he wouldn’t get too bored while he was recovering.
This Canadian guy wrote me back and we’ve been corresponding since then. He is awesome, handsome, intelligent, polite as a gentleman... He is quite a prince! And this prince invited me to visit his country because he believes it would be good for my future to live there. I could have a much better life than in Brazil.
I guess I’m a just a coward. I can’t decide what to do because I fear so much making the wrong choices. Of course I’d have to finish school first if I want to live somewhere else someday, and I don't know if he and even I would be able to wait these couple of years that are yet to come... I mean, I guess it’s clear that it seams I’m daydreaming of a relationship with this man, but we were raised in different cultures. I don't know if we could be fine together of if there would be so many differences that would thorn us apart.
As I just said above, he is a gentleman, a prince… And I fear I am not like a princess at all. I think he deserves someone immensely better than me... I don't want to disappoint him, I don't want to make him suffer, I don't want to ruin everything. But I'm human... Humans often destroy what they love the most. And that's what I'm trying not to do. I see him like a saint in an altar, or like the finest piece of china in a wonderful cabinet. I admire it, I want it, but I fear to reach it because I may break it...
He was the best thing that happened to me, the closest thing that I felt to love about someone in the last years... But I am not perfect. I am just human and full of flaws… I’m afraid he sees this and finds out I never was the right one for him.
Besides, how could I leave someone who is here by my side for another person who is miles and miles apart? When I am not sure if it's all an illusion or if it can come true?
Now he thinks I didn’t want to meet him in Canada. In his last message to me, my Canadian friend said: “Somewhere tucked away in a very far tiny corner of my thoughts I will miss you the remainder of my life and beyond...”
I feel him escaping through my fingers like sand and it is tearing my heart apart.
I am terribly silly and coward! I wish I was much more brave that I actually am. I fear I’m losing the opportunity of finding a true genuine love for being the way I am, and I hate myself for that!
How I wish fear couldn't stop me from leaving all behind and throwing myself into his arms...
Saturday, March 26, 2011
What would you try if you had no fear?
Friday, January 14, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
At the hospital
This is a picture of me when I was still at the hospital. The only difference between the two pitures is one person.
The guy with the beanie hat is my brother Diego. The girl with the curly hair is his fiancé. The girl in white is my cousin Franciele. The man and the woman beside her are her parents. My mother is beside my aunt Maria. and my father behind my mother. The guy in the mustache is my cousin Jane's husband (Joel) and the half face you see behind Franciele is Jane. In the other picture the bald guy with mustache wearing blue is my friend Flávio.
I had a severe kidney infection that passed to my lungs. I’ve had a breathing arrest and stayed sedated and in induced coma for two months, so I lost the movements, specially of my legs and feet. Now I am walking but with help of a walker, and I’m doing physical therapy.
During the time I was asleep at the hospital, I needed a couple of sessions of hemodialysis, a blood transfusion and a tracheotomy. My body was so inflated I’ve got stretch marks in my belly and in my arms, but what matters is that I am still alive. My disease was really serious and I could have died. My doctor said he told my family twice to buy my coffin ‘cos there was no hope for me… I’ve got really surprised that my cousin Camila and my brother Diego were really engaged or worried about me cause I’ve always thought they hated me. My Mother used to visit me almost everyday and Marcelo almost every night. He told me in our first Brazilian Valentine’s day (June 12th), I was really ill and sedated, but he was there by my side caressing my head.
When I woke up I knew I was at the hospital, but I didn’t know how long I had been there. I was there for almost two months. They were in the middle of the Soccer World Cup. I couldn’t speak because of the hole in my neck where they connected a machine that kept me breathing and it was desperating. I thought about my Granny and my Aunt Lúcia all the time. They died respectively in February and April. I imagined their bodies getting rotten inside their coffin and it made me so afraid of dying. I tried to think about something else but I just couldn’t control my thoughts. My dog Miolo disappeared the day I came back home from the hospital. I didn’t even saw him. This makes me so sad… I imagine he must have died over runned somewhere. But well, that’s enough of talking about it. I am fine and happy for being alive.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
April 10th was a really bad day...
Saturday, April 10th was a really sad day. I've lost my godmother and aunt Lúcia, and last week I received the news my godson Marcos André suffered an accident that same day. His Mom, my friend Luciane was alone at home with her two boys (Miguel 7 y.o and Marcos 1 y.o), then she got a little distracted and the baby pulled the coffee machine from the sink. It was full with hot coffee and has turned all over him... Poor kid. It was such a scary episode. Miguel, my older godson was very mature and helpful and helped his Mom calling his granny while his Mom washed his little brother with cold water.
This is Marcos picture a couple of days after the accident:
And this is his picture two weeks after the accident:
Luckily we think he won't keep any scars. He is doing much better and doctors just said he must avoid sunlight. he's a cute kid, isn't he?
My friend Vivi and me
This is my friend Vivi. We studied togheter when kids and we never were really close, but sometimes we accidentally stumble into each other in our city as it's a small place and we really enjoy talking to each other. These weekend she called me and invited to for a beer and I just couldn't say no. I have very few friends and very few oportunities of going out, so I thought it would be nice to see her and have some nice chat.
I think we're going to see each other more frequently now since she's getting divorced... I hope so. I like her a lot and I miss not having closer friends sometimes...
Quinho, the stray who doesn't want to be a stray...
This is Quinho. He is one of my stray dogs. I have three dogs I feed outside my property because I already have four dogs inside of it, but I actually consider all of them mine...
Sometimes Quinho enters my property and one of these days the house door was opened, I went to the kitchen and when I came back, he was sitting at the couch, as if he was one of the home dogs. I thought it was so funny I've had to take a picture of it, Lol!
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